As I should have

"It's so inconceivable, inconceivable that life was so senseless and disgusting. And if it was so disgusting and senseless, why should I have to die, and die in agony? Something must be wrong. Perhaps I did not live as I should have," it suddenly occurred to him. "But how could that be when I did everything one is supposed to?" he replied and immediately dismissed the one solution to the enigma of life and death, considering it utterly impossible...."
-excerpt from The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolstoy