Saturday, February 6, 2010

A reverted state

Ever felt like you were a tiny piece of thread, like a single snip could mark the end of a feeling?

I was thinking about buying a train ticket to Santa Fe. I don't know why.
A train ride to Santa Fe would mean 39 free hours that could be lived outside this box.
The thought was immobilizing. It was peaceful and calm. I just woke up from a nap in the garden, the tea was warm as it sat out in the sun, a book was sprawled open on the grass.

I didn't feel fogged in confusion. This was a rare moment of clarity. But life is tumultuous. And everyday the plunge is great and anxiety is a steep hill that I climb in hopes of reaching this feeling of stability. Tomorrow is another day that foils this feeling. For a while it hangs around me but the hours fan it away--tomorrow will come and the feeling will have vanished.

Something different to everybody but nothing to myself.

I wish that I could stand up, interrupt myself mid-sentence as the words are being dragged out by a voice that sounds like it doesn't even belong to me. I wish I could be brave, I wish I could tell them truth and stop pretending.

But in this reverted state all I do is live for these moments.
-originally written by me on January 28th 2010-
"We are lost, you and I, unseen and not seeing, unheard and not hearing, unknown by others."
-quote from The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan-

5 comments:

  1. this made me think of that quote, "it is never too late to be what you might've been."

    do you know what you want to be, or who?

    then go and be that person.

    it will be rough-going at the start, but it gets easier as you go along.

    anyway i liked this post much and now i want a train ticket to sante fe.

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  2. You make something inspiring and beautiful out of things some of us wouldn't even think of - train tickets to santa fe, tea warmed by sun? it's really great to read!

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  3. This is really true. To be honest, I sort of feel the same way myself.

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  4. I did.

    But I am glad to find what I want to be.

    The next challenge is to remain as it is; infact it is harder than to find what you want to be. But nothing is impossible with determination, that's what I believe:)

    have a nice day and thank you for your comment!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your wishes are mine too, beautiful read as always <3
    I love this so much ; "Something different to everybody but nothing to myself. "

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