Monday, April 19, 2010

But now I'm me

I always knew that one day she would look at me and she would hate what she saw. I tried to keep hidden. I wanted to give her something honest, something true-I owed her that at least. But she didn't want that. It was fine if the pretending continued, it didn't matter-as long as her holes were filled. She could be whole again-She could pretend that she didn't feel hollow, that death had not ripped her loved away away from her and left an empty space festering with pain as long as I pretended to be the missing piece that filled the vacancy.

I told you. I used to be someone. I spents months trying to crawl out of the mess I had created. I tried to escape into my dreams, I trapped all of my old lives with my words. The characters I once lived as moved in and out of abandoned stories. And even as the characters fell away and the heavy cloak slowly slipped off of my skin, this box remained.

I was frustrated, agonized, tormented by it. I didn't know how to live outside of those 4 sagging walls, I didn't know how to survive, I didn't even know if it was possible at all to live as I wanted.
But I had let go of so much. I had journeyed so far. I was at the ledge, I could feel myself ascending with my arms outstretched, I could feel the cloak being dragged away .

What did I think? That the 4 walls would crumble, that without me, the box would cease to exist. That's what I thought. I told myself to leap; after months of hiding and healing, I told myself to leap back into life and it would embrace me.

I leaped. Eyes squeezed shut, prepared to crash, prepared to feel every bone break. I had convinced myself--yes, it was worth it. I couldn't understand how it was possible but I was grounded. I was still standing, I had made it. All of the months, the slow and painful months...They were worth it.

But somewhere in between morning and night I looked over my shoulder, back at the ruins that had once been my life and I felt it. Everything inside was collapsing, there was an earthquake, the weight of a piano fell 14 stories and landed on my chest.
I couldn't breathe.
It hurt.
It hurt so much to see the box, to see her still standing inside of it, picking up the cloak I had left behind and draping it over someone else. I wanted so badly to still have a place in her heart but I didn't want to morph myself into who she wanted me to be. I couldn't. I thought that my real self would be a good thing-I could fit into her heart the way that she still fits into mine despite everything, make a new space, a new place that was made for me. But I was wrong. I couldn't.

I dropped my character and I dropped out of her life. And now there was another to replace me. She was fine with pretending. She just wanted her holes filled.


  1. Great post! Where did you get your background?

  2. hello,

    I feel sad when I was reading this:( I hope you would feel better...

  3. I can relate to your feelings posted here. Feeling closed in
    comatose and vulnerable. And you open the door to your mind,
    heart and house - walking in faith. It works.
    And that person eventually finds someone else to be exactly
    what they need without needing anything in return.

  4. You're a genius.

    Although this post does make me feel depressed. You have such an amazing way of making us feel what you feel without really telling us how...

  5. I really really enjoy the way you describe your emotions, the heavy feelings. I can relate to this so much and I am deeply touched by you, by this lovely sensitive soul. I do hope you feel better, and find more happiness in life.

  6. great post :)):*


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