Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm not brave

31090034 by Gabrielleee/ © All rights reserved.

Can you feel the terror?
It's slamming doors, books wheeled and shot down to the floor. It's delirium, screaming with your head clutched, then you're out of breath, can't breathe, just standing there, gasping for screams that you swallow instead. It's your shoulders breaking like graham cracker bridges that fold in and crumble, sobs shaking out between the apologies. So hard to get up the next morning with a head that feels like it's full of heavy bricks, the same bricks that you'll use to build the dam that keeps the tears in. And they'll ask you why you're so quiet and you'll say you're just tired.

9 comments:

  1. Oh, how often I've used that simple excuse of I'm just tired. I wish someone would see beyond it for once, and understand that it's more.

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  2. I don't agree, if you can be so completely honest-even if it's only to yourself, that shows bravery.
    Maybe you're only protecting those who ask after your well-being. They won't be able to help, so why burden them with the dismal position of uselessness?

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  3. That is so scary, I was feeling like this just now, and searching endlessly for something that expressed my feelings. You have done it dearest. Thank you.

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  4. My heart raced when I read this...it's powerful and terrifying.

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  5. I think Ruta's comment reveals what most of us really want. We really want someone to notice, somehow, even if we think we don't. Maybe it just has to be the right person. Otherwise, we are quiet.

    I did an experiment a few years ago on knowing when to be quiet and knowing when to share. I learned to be fluid in each circumstance, and instead of going with my preconceived notions of whether to retract or divulge, I just listened. I was often surprised to hear, for example, not to say something to someone, or, to share when I felt like crawling under a rock.

    I think there are ways to actually release the emotion to the point where it doesn't recirculate in your soul, but is truly released.

    I love the juxtaposition of the wailing from the soul into the silence, and the silence into the crowd. Very nice.

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  6. Dam of tears. This is hard, oh dear.

    The problem is, saying that we are tired is the only thing I could think of to let them give us space to think. Sounds true?

    I totally understand the terror of waking up, but push yourself, we have to.

    beautiful post!

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  7. I'm very very sorry if this is how you feel. It's so raw and honest and I've felt that same way many times. "shoulders breaking like graham cracker bridges" - so exact, yes. sending love your way.

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  8. I'm not brave either, but I have the courage to admit it.

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  9. I couldnt agree with Melanee more!

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