Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Hanging on a moment

I don't know what I want to write here or what I want this space to be anymore. But two years feels like a lifetime and I have lived and died here and then lived again. I started this blog because I needed to know what I looked like on the inside. I needed to build a separate perception of myself. When I was younger it was so easy to believe the stories that my parents told me. And I have believed all versions of them. Up the grapevine and through it and then heard the same story shifted through different languages and funneled at me from friends and classmates. Standing in front of the mirror, I could see their faces, see their mouths moving around the words that threw the shadows of my reflection. My eyes made rounds in the mirror, sweeping across their faces but I never looked into my own face until I started this blog. This has been a simultaneous process of hiding and revealing. What I hid during the day, I revealed at night to a blank Word document. I used to be someone was the first sentence I ever wrote here and it's one of the truest things I've ever said. I used to be someone, I used to be a lot of people. First, I was a walking archive and then an arsonist, searing the past, memories and people alike, into ashes and then I was just some girl sorting through the wreckage. I can write myself out of anything, even the past versions of myself. I wrote until the multiplicity shrank so tiny that the ropes loosened and fell away. I used to be the person who needed to build this place but I don't want to be that person anymore. The clock has rolled back to zero and I am free.

5 comments:

  1. this is incredible
    ive never heard an explanation for a blog worded so perfectly.
    im glad youre free.

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  2. this is such a good description of why we need to blog sometimes, why we need to write. It's a reassurance to know I'm not alone as well, I must admit. But gosh, to be free. Freakin' wonderful.

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  3. Like said in the comment above me, this is the perfect explanation for blogging, and any sort of writing in general. It is a release of emotions, and we can only hope to allow it to change and improve us as we let our feelings fall from our fingers.

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  4. I LOVE the freedom of your writings. I'm always inspired in some kind of way. I write as a release. To regroup. Re-create. And recapture anything I left behind...memories. Thanks for sharing!

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  5. Wow. This is perfect. I love you and your blog and I know what you mean. xx

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