How you said that I never fit in anywhere and that I don’t even make an effort to fit in. And how I said that trying was bad, because it meant changing and manipulating who I was to fill a spot that didn’t belong to me. And how you shook your head and laughed that fake laugh and said, “What do you mean? That’s the silliest thing I've ever heard.” And you kept talking even though I stood there saying, “What do you mean, what do I mean?” over and over but you didn't hear me or acknowledge that I was talking at all. And how you kept laughing like it was a joke and you were waiting for me to join in, nod my head and agree.
And then I did. I said, “Yeah, you're right. That is silly.”
But it was more sad than silly because I was lonely and the truth meant being on the outside and telling lies meant belonging. But I still hoped that I never tried to fit in again because I’ve seen what can happen, how I just end up standing around, laughing that fake laugh, agreeing on the outside, crying on the inside.
I hate having to choose.
ReplyDeleteI wish i knew what to say in an instance like this, because i agree that fitting in for high school years isnt worth changing the person you really are, because then you leave all those friends who you tired so hard to fit on for and you're kinda lost. I dont know what im trying to say...i guess i just hope you dont ever feel like this again.
ReplyDeleteI hate fake people. I hate it when people lie and manipulate themselves AND others just to fit in. I was surrounded by nothing but these people before, then I switched schools, and theres' something magical about being genuine.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with you that crying on the inside while fake laughing on the outside is not worth the sense of belonging.
Oh, I wish it weren't 2am so I could actually write something to this elucidating post to which I relate so well. The thing is, you will have to choose again and you will feel this way again. Of course you know this already. This choosing will change though as time passes, and you will have new insights and emotions associated with each experience. It's like Rilke says to the Young Poet--love the questions themselves like locked books written in a very foreign tongue--and someday without knowing it, you will walk into the answers.
ReplyDeleteYou will.