Nov 2 2010 5:03 pm
It wasn't about the perfect weight or a size 0. It wasn't because of image dysmorphia or peer pressure. That's what they couldn't understand. It was more warped than they could imagine. I wanted to feel the hunger bubble up inside of me, the headache hanging like a fog between my eyes, the dizziness waning in and out. I didn't want anything that could ebb the pain. I didn't want alcohol or laughing highs. I didn't want calories injected into my bloodstream or the comfort found at the bottom of a bowl of soup. I just wanted emptiness, starvation throbbing in my ear like a drum keeping the rhythm of my day. At school, the world blurred before my eyes, the colors ran into each other. I don't sleep at night anymore. I sit still too long and the world bleeds black. I wake up hours later, with the lights still on, unable to remember ever closing my eyes.
I could feel myself sinking into a pile of bones.