Thursday, December 2, 2010

Our demons will follow us

Nov 2 2010 5:03 pm
It wasn't about the perfect weight or a size 0. It wasn't because of image dysmorphia or peer pressure. That's what they couldn't understand. It was more warped than they could imagine. I wanted to feel the hunger bubble up inside of me, the headache hanging like a fog between my eyes, the dizziness waning in and out. I didn't want anything that could ebb the pain. I didn't want alcohol or laughing highs. I didn't want calories injected into my bloodstream or the comfort found at the bottom of a bowl of soup. I just wanted emptiness, starvation throbbing in my ear like a drum keeping the rhythm of my day. At school, the world blurred before my eyes, the colors ran into each other. I don't sleep at night anymore. I sit still too long and the world bleeds black. I wake up hours later, with the lights still on, unable to remember ever closing my eyes.
I could feel myself sinking into a pile of bones.

4 comments:

  1. this is amazing,
    one of my favorite things i've read from you


    love love love

    ReplyDelete
  2. wow, this was really touching.

    ReplyDelete
  3. this is amazing, i really think writing like this is the reason you have so many faithful followers. obviously even if people don't always understand it completely
    they understand it enough, or are touched by it, or it takes their breath away when they get a glimpse of anothers life like that.
    you leave an impact on people, don't underestimate that-whether it's depressing or not, its real. The reason i started following you was because of "but now i'm me' that struck something real in me.
    please don't stop posting your writing if it's to protect us, your blog is more real than most and it means more too.
    but i do understand not being able to explain it.
    if all you do is sleep i hope your dreams are a comfort.
    with love,

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've missed you...

    This is beautiful. Posts like these give me goosebumps. Because not only is it haunting and truthful, but reading this makes me aware that one day I will be one of those people who knew you before you were published.

    ReplyDelete

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