I cannot tell a lie.

as seen here on Sunshine monologue. made by prescience

You want me to feel the vacancy, occupy a space that was not made for me. I am who I am, I don't fit the job description. I can't spend the rest of my life morphing into false illusions. I'm scared, I'm afraid of what will happen but maybe, just maybe it's time for me to show the world who I really am.

Maybe it's time to stop lying.

New

as seen here on (non-breaking space); made by the incredible and amazing howard.hall

I am phoenix.

I am slowly rising from the ashes, molding into a new skin, stretching into new characteristics.
I'm standing in the wreckage, rearranging the destruction and rubble.
I wanted my past to die and now it's been whipped away by flames.

But I'm worried.
Am I ready for this?

I've lost my words. I'm sorry.

"I always feel like I’m struggling to become someone else. Like I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I guess it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to reinvent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself- as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I guess that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to define myself."
— Haruki Murakami

Recently Purchased Books: Part II

On Writing by Stephen King
We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live by Joan Didion
Marie Antoinette: The Journey by Antonia Fraser
The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket
The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman
Animal Farm by George Orwell
Atonement by Ian McEwan

P.S. I folded and got a formspring. Ask me a question here.

Decisions, decisions

"I’ve always been more comfortable making my decisions from the subconscious level, or more emotionally, because I find it is more truthful to me. Intellectually, I don’t think like that because I get uncomfortable. I’m more wary of my intellectual mind, of becoming delusional if I think of it too much."

– Tim Burton

A reverted state

Ever felt like you were a tiny piece of thread, like a single snip could mark the end of a feeling?

I was thinking about buying a train ticket to Santa Fe. I don't know why.
A train ride to Santa Fe would mean 39 free hours that could be lived outside this box.
The thought was immobilizing. It was peaceful and calm. I just woke up from a nap in the garden, the tea was warm as it sat out in the sun, a book was sprawled open on the grass.

I didn't feel fogged in confusion. This was a rare moment of clarity. But life is tumultuous. And everyday the plunge is great and anxiety is a steep hill that I climb in hopes of reaching this feeling of stability. Tomorrow is another day that foils this feeling. For a while it hangs around me but the hours fan it away--tomorrow will come and the feeling will have vanished.

Something different to everybody but nothing to myself.

I wish that I could stand up, interrupt myself mid-sentence as the words are being dragged out by a voice that sounds like it doesn't even belong to me. I wish I could be brave, I wish I could tell them truth and stop pretending.

But in this reverted state all I do is live for these moments.

-originally written by me on January 28th 2010-
"We are lost, you and I, unseen and not seeing, unheard and not hearing, unknown by others."
-quote from The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan-

A new month brings hope

Reach me down my Tycho Brahe, I would know him when we meet,
When I share my later science, sitting humbly at his feet;
He may know the law of all things, yet be ignorant of how
We are working to completion, working on from then to now.

Pray remember that I leave you all my theory complete,
Lacking only certain data for your adding, as is meet,
And remember men will scorn it, 'tis original and true,
And the obliquy of newness may fall bitterly on you.

But, my pupil, as my pupil you have learned the worth of scorn,
You have laughed with me at pity, we have joyed to be forlorn,
What for us are all distractions of men's fellowship and smiles;
What for us the Goddess Pleasure with her meretricious smiles.

You may tell that German College that their honor comes too late,
But they must not waste repentance on the grizzly savant's fate.
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

— “The Old Astronomer To His Pupil” by Sarah Williams